The saddest pain

Yesterday we received the news about our friend Ahne. The news that she had passed. By her own volition.I can’t claim to have been Ahne’s close friend. I saw her seldom, and we really had no heart to heart conversations. I cannot, however, remove this sadness from my spirit. The idea of her pain, her hurt, her despair. It continues to revolve around that hamster wheel of my brain. At odd points during the day I am struck painfully with her death. I woke in the night, often, and imagined her.

So…I think I would like to talk about my admiration for Ahne’s fierce spirit, write about what delighted me about her.

She was so fricking feisty. Her indignation at a wrong was a delight to witness. She did not hold back, she was honest.

I enjoyed watching her argue with her father, not because I enjoyed the anger, but because I enjoyed the pure spunk of her.

Her smile, Ahne had the biggest, the best, the kindest smile. And she cared about others, about their needs. It was not uncommon for her to take care of others, to help.

Her heart, her deep commitment to feeling; I admired that. Her passion; I honored that.

Her defense of her children; once Easton showed me his Trump cap, with pride! I responded huh, I guess I should get my Kamala Harris hat out then. Oh Lord, if looks could destroy…The look I received in defense of her son was totally the look of a mamma bear.

Her brilliant intelligence; Ahne, was smart, gracious, , she had an engaging ability to be present with others.

Her friends; so many people love Ahne, so many people are impacted by her painful passing. I hope she feels this love. She deserves to feel this love.

Ahne, I cannot wrap my head around this, of all the passing’s I have experienced in the past year, yours my beautiful, wonderful, magnificent woman, yours has destroyed me.

You are missed, you are loved, you are honored. I send great love to you, to your family, children, and your friends. We all feel the greatness of your presence in our lives

On Being Enough

fd31e5ac5c1fe532146391bdfa5670ee.jpgYour time is not wasted.

Though you may have been told it has been.

Your life is enough.

Though you may have been told it is not.

Do not think your years of life are unworthy,

that you have only worked to survive.

That you have not made a mark on our world

by waking each day, by struggling to pay your bills.

Though you have been told perhaps you have not.

Not everyone has the freedom to be a guru, a prophet.

Not everyone has the chance to be free.

But your life is not wasted.

You are real, breathing, alive.

And every day you live,

you make a mark so huge

the sky opens and takes it in,

takes in your breath,

your struggles,

your pain,

your wonder of stolen moments of happiness.

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This new truth

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I have started this post at least 5 times, my mind wanting to say things until my fingers reached the keys. I have many subjects roaming through my thoughts. Remembrances, Kids, Isolation, Relationships, Stories, Grieving, and most of all my Daughters.

I will start with Maggie. Maggie is a manager of a health clinic. She has been working long days, with many days in a row. She has set up a drive through testing site at her clinic, converted much of it to a respiratory infection treatment site, all while still maintaining the clinics’ basic function as a… well…a basic health clinic. Her children are home, being schooled on the internet, her husband still working hard at his job. They are all upholding a strong family life, living in this new normal that has taken over the world. It is hard, it is scary, and it is unmistakably strong. I admire them all and love them greatly , Maggie, Devon, Michael and Andrew. they are living and living strong.

And Sarah, whose wedding to Seth was to have been yesterday, on a tropical island surrounded by family and friends. A wedding planned for over a year. A miraculous, wonderful, magical time. I grieve for them. They are heartbroken. At the same time they are both working from home, buying their first home together, and living a full life. I also admire them. They are amazing. The wedding will still happen, but not for a year, still in the same marvelous villa, with hopefully the same friends. I know we will be there, and I finally will have my opportunity to perform the ceremony wedding two people I dearly love.

I love my daughters more than the world

sisyers in boats

I am sad for our world, We all are grieving in some way or the other. People have lost their lives, their friends, their family members. Jobs have ended, people are scared, isolated, confused. We are all touched by this strange new reality, and all struggling to make some sense of this oddness.

And we are united as well in this, in this adventure, this sadness, this strength.

Let’s not forget that we have this, that we own this, that we have done it before and we can do it again. The world is slowing down and resting, we are becoming more…or less…self aware. we are all thinking. Let’s keep loving and being. Let’s keep living.

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Music

I have music in my universe. Worldly music in mundane moments. Driving in the car, I hear the song of the wind through the windows. From my front door I hear the music of a train in the distance; it’s brakes singing a song of lonely longing and hopeful sighs.

I hear the power of leaves rushing in the wind, and the percussion rattle of acorns falling onto the ground.

Music…birds whistling from the cattails in our swamp, little frogs chorusing, bats whisking; tree to tree, rain dropping into grass, car tires swishing on wet pavement.

My musical universe wraps around my soul, brings me peace, brings silence to my heart.

Holy Hannah it’s been way too long

I have not posted for ever! Time has flown, I have been occupied. And now it is time to begin again!!!

I am delighted to say that I will be reading Palms again at the Mind Body Spirit Fall Festival on St Cloud on October 12.

Mind Body Spirit is a wonderful place to be, a group of lovely people who really care for the world. I am happy to be there once again! Please come to visit, there will be many wonderful practitioners to choose from. And take time to step over to the MBS to shop for fabulous items to enhance your personal spiritual being!

Solstice Sister

Cheri my sister!!
Solstice daughter.
Winter birth.
Mom told me when I was little
That a great Gale blew you in through
The window,
And that is how you were born
So you were named..
Cherished Gale.
It is fitting

So right.
Solstice sister
Winter birth.
You are a gale of winter breath
Frosty, refreshing, beautiful.
You are the breeze
Of promised spring.
It is fitting
It is right!

And..the shock wears off.

So here is the deal.  For the first week after the election I was in intense shock.  I mourned, I rationalized, I became angry, I bargained.  And then, yes, I accepted.  Trump is our president and I am quite worried.  Am I willing to give him a chance?  maybe, but what I have seen to point makes my quiet acceptance doubtful.

Today I learned one of his staff will be that Bannon character, (I shudder at giving that person a better title than that)  Bannon, one of the leaders of the Alt right will continue to have the close ear of our president,  Bannon, a man who offers our country no hope of healing but does give hope to these that hate.

For 6 days I have said little, not wanting to offend my Republican friends and family, yet I have watched those same people trash protestors, continue to demean wonderful women like Michelle Obama, continue to demean and group Democrats as whiners, evil protestors, sore losers.

And finally I decide, screw it.   I despise Trump, I fear for the goodness of our country, our great country, and no, I am not moving to Canada as one “friend” suggested.

I am remembering back in my youth, protesting a war that our country could not win, that was killing and destroying our youth in mass, and being told the same thing, if you dont like our country leave it.

Yet, is not our country based on freedom of speech, is not our country based on protest?  I am told to take a breath, let it play out.

So…I am protesting, yes he is our president, but I don’t like it, and I will not remain silent.  He is deplorable. And I will speak.

Once I was young. I believed, then I forgot, now…I am aware again…

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Sweetest Sister Sandi

 

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sandi,steve, mom and ed

Well, I missed your birthday my sister, I was away from my computer for a few days, and frankly, the date blindsided me until I saw it on Facebook.  How the heck did it get this late into the summer?

Sandi you are kind, smart, honest, beautiful, innovative, funny.  A great woman, a wonderful mother, and a fantastic Grandma.

You love with all of your heart, and for years I have watched you shower others with so much care, concern, and eagerness.  I have worried that you do not shower yourself with such bounty, but I have noticed in recent years you taking the time to think more of yourself, and I am so happy about that.

Your life has not been an easy one, you have lived through massive obstacles, pain, and you have always come out kicking, cept for that one time when your knee was smashed in a car accident,  you were not kicking so hard after that.  You did keep moving forward though, through everything.

sank and girls

sank, amanda, sam, mandy at the farm

You have learned to enjoy your moments of joy, to savor them, to imclude them in your memory banks, to create them.  I love that.

And sigh, I must apologize for locking you out of the house when I was babysitting you back on the farm, well, you say I did that anyway, I am not sure I acknowledge it, but…#notthebestbigsisterever.

beautysank

I love you sista, I honor you, I respect you, I admire you.  Happiest New Life Year!

 

 

For Seth on his birthdate

I love Seth, he delights me.  His quirky sense of humor, highly intelligent view of our view, sweetness, creativity, and much more delights my heart.

He loves my daughter Sarah, and she loves him. Together they are making a future together that awes me.   

Seth has helped John immensely with his work,  on graphics for John’s business, he gets what we need.

Seth lives large, with a fabulous sense of adventure.  He lives with style. I just adore him.

Happy birthday Seth, you deserve only greatness!

Happiest Day Melody

I could call her a bonus daughter, or an old friend.
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She is a daughter, a sister, an aunt. A chef, a whipcracker, a dancer.

I can call her someone who I watched grow from a girl dancing like a gypsy to a young woman tall and strong.

Melody Happiest Birthday. ..may the sun shine bright on your back, the wind gentle through your hair, and grace carry your feet.

You are a beautiful one and I love you.
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